The Truth.

Who am I kidding trying to persuade myself that I'm not crazy about you?

Blab.

The past few months have been testing. My outlook on things has totally changed. Life has gotten a little less linear. I'm happy and sad and I think it's because I don't know where I am and where I'm going, which is exciting I guess. This summer I think will give me more freedom to try and change for the better. I know the kind of person I am, and although I've always thought that my sensitive nature was something that really defines myself and makes me unique, to be honest I think it's a hard way to live life. My priorities are all over the place!
It's supposed to be all about number one, but I don't think I'm built like that. I think I'm meant for someone else, to make someone else happy, which in turn makes me happy. I also think I’m meant to subtly use the world’s resources, not make them. In other words I'm a child of the earth, with the desire to explore, experience and love. Such cheese if ever I heard it! But that's just the way I write. Behind every great man, is a woman. And the girl behind me has really given me the ambition I need.
I'm just pouring thoughts out onto the keyboard here. Unprocessed thoughts, so don't try and read between the lines, because there's nothing there but you.

Cat's have nine lives. She doesn't, and I killed her.

Today hasn't been the best of days. It started out well, as I did a good deed and then it went downhill from there. Firstly, I failed my driving test which I was pretty confident about. Then things got exponentially worse. This girl I like, or should I say the girl I like... I couldn't have messed up things any more! We got into this habit of talking indirectly over msn personal messages. I always thought they were a good way of expressing how I felt while at the same time being vague, but it got to the point where we both knew we were talking about each other. I like this girl so much and I was scared that because I’ll be moving back home in a couple of weeks that I wouldn’t get the chance I wanted. So I came right out with it. I asked where things are heading. And being my idiotic self I took her answer as negatively as I could interpret it. Not such a good idea. Now I’m making matters worse by thinking it's gone forever and I’ve gotten myself all worried now. With good reason I think! But the point is I fucked up badly. It's a weird thing to say, but I think there are a lot of blink 182 songs that can sum up how I feel better than I can. I hope I haven’t messed things up, even though I’ve learnt my lesson too late. I know we both mean a lot to each other and she was right all along when she said take it slow and go with the flow. But I just didn’t know how much time we had. More then than I do now.